From Darkness to Light: How God Redeemed Heartbreak for Purpose and Started Paddocks&Praise

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary things.

- C.S. Lewis

Through pain, my purpose was ignited and my passion restored.

When the Darkness Rolls In

Picture this.

A 35 year old woman, locked in her closet, sobbing and asking God, why?

Why did this happen? Why is he leaving me? Why am I not enough? 

Let that soak in: I am not enough.

Have you ever felt that way? Do you feel that way right now?

This was my story. I spent years believing that I wasn’t enough. When I learned that my husband wanted a divorce, it just confirmed the lie I had been believing. I was constantly striving to show people that I was enough – at home, in my work, at church, in my riding – always living with that little voice in the back of my mind saying I needed to do more. 

Now don't get me wrong. Striving toward growth or goal achievement is valuable, but it can quickly take on a negative narrative if we aren’t careful - turning into a never-ending grind, always trying to catch something, never content. One definition of"strive" is to struggle in opposition. Do we want our lives to be a constant struggle? Or does God have a bigger and better plan for us than that?

I have been a believer for the majority of my adult life. There have been times where I have been on fire in my faith, feeling a direct connection with Jesus. There have also been times when I have drifted, knowing God was there but following my own desires over his direction. Through these ups and downs, I have always felt like God had a greater calling for my life. But I was stuck going through the motions, never acting on that feeling, and never fully surrendering to him. 

Finally, he stepped in and got my attention.

A Little Context

Let me give you a little more context to my story.

From about the age of 12 years old, riding and training jumpers was all that I wanted to do. Horses have always been my first love and passion. But when my husband proposed, I decided that building a life with him was more important than continuing my career in the hunter/jumper industry.

During the first year of our marriage, I continued in an assistant trainer and manager position at a high level show barn. We had multiple junior riders and the days were long, teaching multiple lessons after their school day had finished. It wasn’t healthy for our marriage and I decided to pursue another job, still in the horse industry, but one that gave me flexibility and a more “normal” schedule.

The transition to working behind a computer, riding one horse a day, and not being in the barn constantly was hard. For many years, being a horse trainer and instructor had been my identity. I connected my purpose with teaching and training. It was a fulfilling job and I was really good at it. When I gave that up, I felt lost.

Teaching is where I placed my identity.

This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn during my marriage. My identity is not in what my profession is or who I am with or what others say I am; my identity is in Jesus Christ. I am who He says I am, rooted in His love, and knowing that God was intentional with how he created me. 

Once I was able to reconcile this truth and be content with my identity, I turned my focus more fully to my marriage and was confident in my decision. I fully committed to being a wife and prioritizing family over my teaching and training. I’m sure some of you are balking at the idea of being put in a position to choose, but at the time it felt like the right decision. We all know how hard the horse industry is on relationships, especially if your significant other is not part of that world.

That is why the divorce came as such a shock. I felt like I had given up everything to be with him and make our relationship work, and still it wasn’t enough.

In Steps God

But God redeems our pain.

Through the darkest season of my life, I made a choice.

I chose to live in hope.

I chose to trust Jesus.

I chose to surrender.

I chose to stay positive and keep moving forward..

In his faithfulness, God redeemed my pain by igniting my purpose and placing me in a position to have greater impact.

God used my divorce as a way to wake me up to my calling. Many times, it is through our hardest life experiences that God sharpens us. He uses the hardship to mold our thoughts and behavior. He refines us, getting us ready to step into our purpose.

Paddocks&Praise would not be here today had I not married the man I did and gone through the hardship of our separation. Looking back, I'm now able to see how God had his hand in every step. I'm now thankful for the trials, becuase they have taught me to persevere and positioned me where I am today. 

• If I hadn’t gotten married, I never would have moved to the East Coast.

• If I hadn’t left my profession, I wouldn’t have discovered the true foundation of my identity in Jesus.

• If I hadn’t been rooted in Him, I wouldn’t have survived the heartbreak of divorce.

• If I hadn’t gone through the divorce, I wouldn’t have found my way back to what I love—riding and showing.

• If I weren’t back on the road at shows, I wouldn’t have seen the deep need for a faith-based community in the equestrian world.

• And if I hadn’t seen that need, Paddocks&Praise would not be here.

It all ties together. 

I Am Enough

Let’s go back a moment to that feeling of not being enough. Here is the truth: GOD SAYS THAT I AM ENOUGH. God says that I am here for a purpose. God says that I am exactly the right person for the purpose he has placed on my heart.

Do you feel the power in that?

Because he loves us, because he values us, because he intentionally made us, we can be confident in our hope for the future. Praise God!

There’s so much I want to share, and I will continue to peel away the layers as we go. But for now here are a few key take-aways.

1. God loves you - He sent his one and only son, Jesus Christ to die on a cross for you, to take away the sin of the world. (John 3:16) 

2. Jesus is with you - Right by your side through every up and every down. (Matthew 28:20)

3. Trust Him in your pain - He will give you hope in the darkness. (Hebrews 11:1)

4. Everything you are going through has a purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)

5. You are enough - Believe it. (Jeremiah 1:5)

Take some time to reflect on how you respond to trials in your life. If you are currently struggling or would like to chat further, submit a prayer request through the link below, or e-mail me at natasha@paddocksandpraise.com. I’d love to connect.

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